A woman whose heart is ruled by fear may not actually look fearful at first glance. She may seem aloof, or she may talk so fast it seems she never takes a breath but she will always be controlling. You see, she has a heart belief due to some trauma in her past that “there is no-one out there who will take care of me, so I have to handle everything myself.”
Now in her youth, she may just seem sweet and a little needy. This affect stirs up the hero instinct in men and gets her a lot of attention. But woe to the man who marries her. His life will be ruled by her fears, her worries and her constant attempts to run the whole show. This is the only way she believes she can keep everyone safe and things running well. However, this manner of control usually backfires for her. Her husband will emotionally and or physically run from her or he may give up altogether and let her run the family leaving her feeling even less protected. She tends to smother her children trying to keep them safe and will either produce a child who also gives up and lets her control or one who rebels. The first one will never grow into responsible adulthood and you will find her complaining that they still live at home, can’t keep a job or have terrible addictions they always run back to.
On the other hand, if one of her children wants to grow up and truly become an adult, they will have to distance themselves from her controlling clutches appearing to be rebellious and leaving her feeling more wounded and lonely. This isn’t a pleasant result of trying to control everything and everybody to keep them safe.
So how does she get set free of this terrible spiral downward? She must face some difficult realities and make some adamant decisions to set herself and the rest of her family free of this horrible prison.
Though fear is a natural response to danger, and even the Apostle Paul recognized he had been experiencing fears in 2 Corinthians 7:5, when fear is allowed to stay in your heart and soul it opens a door to a worker of Satan called The Spirit of Fear in 2 Timothy 1:7. This is not from God. This woman must also realize by opening this door it actually brings into her life the very things she fears, convincing her even more to fear and grab for control. Job said in Job 3:25,26, “For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.” A fearful heart brings only a life of turmoil because of this open door to Satan’s work. Proverbs 10:24 confirms that “What the wicked fears will come upon him.”
Why does God consider a fearful person to be wicked? Because they are not focusing on God and His great love and power on their behalf. I John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…” Colossians 3:22 says that with a sincerity of heart we are expected to fear the Lord. This brings us back to 2 Timothy 1:7 where we are told that God gives us Power, Love, and a Sound Mind. A sense of Empowerment not in our own abilities but in His. Since Love is the opposite of fear and He is perfect Love, drawing close to Him and letting Him control your life and the circumstances makes fear leave. A Sound Mind is the result as you begin to see life’s events as having good results eventually when He is in control. So, I may not be able to trust my boss or my husband or my child to do the right thing but I can trust God to turn the final outcome around for good. I need eyes that see and a mind that comprehends beyond the present circumstance to God’s good purpose. Bad circumstances can build strong character. Bad situations can cause a run-away to return. Bad stressors can soften a hardened heart.
So here is a practical exercise that will really work if you practice it frequently. When you jump to control, recognize this is a fear reaction. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. Get alone with Jesus (He’s the Wonderful Counselor) and tell Him you’re CHOOSING to trust Him and you want to exchange this fear with Him for what He would like to give to you. Then quietly listen. You may find a scripture comes to mind that you know, only this time, it hits your heart not just your head. Or Jesus’ Spirit may quietly say a truth to your heart and it finally FEELS true. He may even bring to your mind a memory that is at the base of this fear. If this happens identify all of the emotions that your memory brings up and then exchange them with Jesus for what He wants to give you. You will find a real release will come to your heart that will set you free from the memories and emotions that cause you to react in fear and control! As you heal, this will set the rest of your family free as well.
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”